Hi everyone. I’m Mumbles. Almost famous internet person. Music blogger. Cannibal. I know a lot of you are confused, hurt and a little sick because of the shitty Mass Effect 3 ending. I know some of you actually wanted a new ending or hoped they were trying to do some special mind fuck theory. Well, as we all know, that shit isn’t going to happen. The summer DLC will simply explain some of the plot holes, give you closure and maybe even a fucking trophy. You know why? Because you’re all entitled baby men who aren’t allowed to criticize something when it’s shitty, aren’t allowed to want resolution to a series that you spent half a decade playing and are emphatically WRONG about how terrible this color-coded piece of shit is. You don’t care if shit makes sense, you simply want a sense of accomplishment. You want BioWare, your wife and high school chess club to give you a high five for finally beating the Reapers. And, that’s what they’re going to give you.
Sniveling fanboys that you are, you can’t wait until the summer for your answers. I wanted to help because I’m feeling charitable, and so out of a gesture equal to donating over 80,000 dollars to buying toys for sick kids, I ate the Starchild. Now I have all his powers. And, all the answers! Below the cut, I will explain all of the plot holes you silly rabbits have been complaining about in exactly the same way BioWare will!
Here we go!
How did they get the Citadel to earth?
Oh, it can move. You don’t know that because you’ve never tried. Just like you don’t know about that Starchild, the console, or the power source. Even though people have been living on the Citadel for a while now, no one bothered to look around because they can’t. The Citadel is like the Winchester Mystery House. Haunted with the Starchild who is constantly moving stairs, hallways and consoles to fool you.
What about the Mass Relays? If they explode, don’t they destroy an entire system based on that fucking terrible ME2 DLC you integrated into the third game even though I didn’t buy it?
Yes, thank you for showing interest in BioWare’s DLC. I hope you enjoyed making Shepard a master of genocide with no awesome trial in the beginning of the game to speak of to make up for how weird and terrible that DLC was. Anyway! The explosion at the end of Mass Effect 3 did destroy the relays, however thanks to SPPACCEE MAAAGGIIIICC it was a different kind of explosion that did barely any harm! Think of it as a little poof that only hurt things in a very close proximity!
Why are my crew members running away from the solar system? They love me (especially Garrus) and would NEVER leave the fight!
Your crew didn’t see you go up into the Citadel and assumed, without checking even though Harbinger like went to take a pee break or something, you were dead. Super dead. And, even though the war itself would take 100 years and it would probably take earth a couple months to fall, your crew knew when to get the fuck out of Dodge. They ran. Because they don’t actually love you. Remember that time you walked in on Liara and Garrus having a chit chat in the lounge? They were talking about you. They were talking about how much you totally suck.
But, Anderson saw me go up.
Yeah, cause that old man fast. Have you seen Garrus run? It’s like a duck. Garrus ain’t going anywhere.
How did he get in that middle room when there weren’t any other doors? And, why do the hallways of the Citadel look like the Shadowbroker ship?
Go look up how they operate the Indiana Jones Ride in Disneyland. Each lane is actually part of an arm and rotates into the main console area. Why Anderson needed to get there first and wouldn’t be teleported to your sector isn’t important so shut up. Also, the Shadowbroker’s ship is made of Reaper tech!
How is the Illusive Man controlling me?
He’s almost a Reaper, not quite a man. See, he didn’t know about the “Test Your Endurance Against Electricity” bars and tried to take over the Reapers in some weird Cerberus way. He can kind of control humans like a Reaper indoctrinating you could, but he’s a freak. A monster. Don’t listen to anything he says.
If the explosion only changes shit or like blows up the Reapers, how come it hurt the Normandy?
SPPAACEE MAAGGGIIIICC works in mysterious ways. The energy of picking a color will always emit a little explosion and Joker was just stupid enough to try to use the Relay when it hit.
….Where the hell is Joker now? If the relays are all exploded, are they going to die?
MAYBE. Depending on how much time you sank into doing bullshit fetch quests, the civilizations you brought together will rebuild Mass Relays using the leftover Reaper technology! Or even better, the Reapers will help you rebuild them! What a nice bunch of cuttlefish.
Are the Geth dead if I picked Destroy?
Suck a dick, Joker. She gone.
But, Shepard lives at the end of the destroy option.
Further proving that Shepard is not synthetic enough to be killed. She is mostly organic and so things that are also mostly organic will survive.
Like the Quarians!
Exactly! Golly, you’re getting good at this :D
Okay, you’re making a lot of sense now. Wooah. I feel kind of- what was that? Did you hear something?
Nope. Sssh. You’re doing great!
Okay. So, what is going to be the best ending?
Synthesis of course! Fuck banning together because our differences make us strong, the true leap of evolution (totally using that word right, by the way) is to push a button and sprout circuits. No matter what, everything will be part synthetic, part organic. Nothing will ever be all one or the other so that we can all live in peace and harmony and erase a big part of what makes us unique.
I did that “perfect” ending, though.
Great. You saved Shepard. Everyone else dies the end.
That seems reasonable! I believe in you, BioWare overlord! Thank you for collecting all of the fans, putting them through a blender and telling them to go fuck themselves!
You’re fucking welcome. Now, get your ass on Origin and pre-order Dragon Age 3.
Aww gee. Some of you didn’t fall for the whole, I’m going to indoctrinate your brains out thing. Okay, I’ll answer further questions:
How does the “control” ending work? Shepard controls the reapers but then dies… so do they revert back? Become independant from the citadel’s control? Or does some random other person gain control? Does it mean Shepard is the new starchild?
Shepard is so pure of heart and an amazing peacemaker that her identity was downloaded onto the Starchild, reuploaded and then made a meme. I mean ruler of all the Reapers and new StarCommander. Think of it like GLaDOS. Which is funny, because GLaDOS started out okay I guess, but then things got kind of weird…
Wait, so if this special space-magic explosion destroys relays and destroys things in close proximity, does that mean the Citadel explodes and kills Earth and all the fleets? Because in the first game, it’s established that the Citadel is one big relay.
The Citadel center does a little explodey thing, but it’s not big enough to mess up earth. It just kind of shuts down! And, Shepard’s body is transported back to earth thanks to a SPACE MAAAGGIIIC TELEPORT BEEEEAAAAMMM.