Mumbles Explains All Plot Holes in Mass Effect 3 And Everything Is COOOL

Hi everyone. I’m Mumbles. Almost famous internet person. Music blogger. Cannibal. I know a lot of you are confused, hurt and a little sick because of the shitty Mass Effect 3 ending. I know some of you actually wanted a new ending or hoped they were trying to do some special mind fuck theory. Well, as we all know, that shit isn’t going to happen. The summer DLC will simply explain some of the plot holes, give you closure and maybe even a fucking trophy. You know why? Because you’re all entitled baby men who aren’t allowed to criticize something when it’s shitty, aren’t allowed to want resolution to a series that you spent half a decade playing and are emphatically WRONG about how terrible this color-coded piece of shit is. You don’t care if shit makes sense, you simply want a sense of accomplishment. You want BioWare, your wife and high school chess club to give you a high five for finally beating the Reapers. And, that’s what they’re going to give you.

Sniveling fanboys that you are, you can’t wait until the summer for your answers. I wanted to help because I’m feeling charitable, and so out of a gesture equal to donating over 80,000 dollars to buying toys for sick kids, I ate the Starchild. Now I have all his powers. And, all the answers! Below the cut, I will explain all of the plot holes you silly rabbits have been complaining about in exactly the same way BioWare will!

Here we go!

How did they get the Citadel to earth?

Oh, it can move. You don’t know that because you’ve never tried. Just like you don’t know about that Starchild, the console, or the power source. Even though people have been living on the Citadel for a while now, no one bothered to look around because they can’t. The Citadel is like the Winchester Mystery House. Haunted with the Starchild who is constantly moving stairs, hallways and consoles to fool you.

What about the Mass Relays? If they explode, don’t they destroy an entire system based on that fucking terrible ME2 DLC you integrated into the third game even though I didn’t buy it?

Yes, thank you for showing interest in BioWare’s DLC. I hope you enjoyed making Shepard a master of genocide with no awesome trial in the beginning of the game to speak of to make up for how weird and terrible that DLC was. Anyway! The explosion at the end of Mass Effect 3 did destroy the relays, however thanks to SPPACCEE MAAAGGIIIICC it was a different kind of explosion that did barely any harm! Think of it as a little poof that only hurt things in a very close proximity!

Why are my crew members running away from the solar system? They love me (especially Garrus) and would NEVER leave the fight!

Your crew didn’t see you go up into the Citadel and assumed, without checking even though Harbinger like went to take a pee break or something, you were dead. Super dead. And, even though the war itself would take 100 years and it would probably take earth a couple months to fall, your crew knew when to get the fuck out of Dodge. They ran. Because they don’t actually love you. Remember that time you walked in on Liara and Garrus having a chit chat in the lounge? They were talking about you. They were talking about how much you totally suck.

But, Anderson saw me go up.

Yeah, cause that old man fast. Have you seen Garrus run? It’s like a duck. Garrus ain’t going anywhere.

How did he get in that middle room when there weren’t any other doors? And, why do the hallways of the Citadel look like the Shadowbroker ship?

Go look up how they operate the Indiana Jones Ride in Disneyland. Each lane is actually part of an arm and rotates into the main console area. Why Anderson needed to get there first and wouldn’t be teleported to your sector isn’t important so shut up. Also, the Shadowbroker’s ship is made of Reaper tech!

How is the Illusive Man controlling me?

He’s almost a Reaper, not quite a man. See, he didn’t know about the “Test Your Endurance Against Electricity” bars and tried to take over the Reapers in some weird Cerberus way. He can kind of control humans like a Reaper indoctrinating you could, but he’s a freak. A monster. Don’t listen to anything he says.

If the explosion only changes shit or like blows up the Reapers, how come it hurt the Normandy?

SPPAACEE MAAGGGIIIICC works in mysterious ways. The energy of picking a color will always emit a little explosion and Joker was just stupid enough to try to use the Relay when it hit.

….Where the hell is Joker now? If the relays are all exploded, are they going to die?

MAYBE. Depending on how much time you sank into doing bullshit fetch quests, the civilizations you brought together will rebuild Mass Relays using the leftover Reaper technology! Or even better, the Reapers will help you rebuild them! What a nice bunch of cuttlefish.

Are the Geth dead if I picked Destroy?

Fuck yes.

And, EDI?

Suck a dick, Joker. She gone.

But, Shepard lives at the end of the destroy option.

Further proving that Shepard is not synthetic enough to be killed. She is mostly organic and so things that are also mostly organic will survive.

Like the Quarians!

Exactly! Golly, you’re getting good at this :D

Okay, you’re making a lot of sense now. Wooah. I feel kind of- what was that? Did you hear something?

Nope. Sssh. You’re doing great!

Okay. So, what is going to be the best ending?

Synthesis of course! Fuck banning together because our differences make us strong, the true leap of evolution (totally using that word right, by the way) is to push a button and sprout circuits. No matter what, everything will be part synthetic, part organic. Nothing will ever be all one or the other so that we can all live in peace and harmony and erase a big part of what makes us unique.

I did that “perfect” ending, though.

Great. You saved Shepard. Everyone else dies the end.

That seems reasonable! I believe in you, BioWare overlord! Thank you for collecting all of the fans, putting them through a blender and telling them to go fuck themselves!

You’re fucking welcome. Now, get your ass on Origin and pre-order Dragon Age 3.

Aww gee. Some of you didn’t fall for the whole, I’m going to indoctrinate your brains out thing. Okay, I’ll answer further questions:

How does the “control” ending work? Shepard controls the reapers but then dies… so do they revert back? Become independant from the citadel’s control? Or does some random other person gain control? Does it mean Shepard is the new starchild?

Shepard is so pure of heart and an amazing peacemaker that her identity was downloaded onto the Starchild, reuploaded and then made a meme. I mean ruler of all the Reapers and new StarCommander. Think of it like GLaDOS. Which is funny, because GLaDOS started out okay I guess, but then things got kind of weird…

Wait, so if this special space-magic explosion destroys relays and destroys things in close proximity, does that mean the Citadel explodes and kills Earth and all the fleets? Because in the first game, it’s established that the Citadel is one big relay.

The Citadel center does a little explodey thing, but it’s not big enough to mess up earth. It just kind of shuts down! And, Shepard’s body is transported back to earth thanks to a SPACE MAAAGGIIIC TELEPORT BEEEEAAAAMMM.

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23 Comments

Filed under SPPPAAACCEEE, Video Games

23 responses to “Mumbles Explains All Plot Holes in Mass Effect 3 And Everything Is COOOL

  1. Clearly the only appropriate response Bioware could give to this would be..

    ..

    U MAD, Mumbles. U SO MAD.

  2. Is it sad that I liked Dragon Age 2 and kind of look forward to Dragon Age 3? :(

  3. krellen

    I never looked at it that way. You’ve made me see the light, Mumbles.

  4. rangwraith

    Best part is, the ‘extended cut’ DLC is just that, an ‘extended’ epilogue, or rather, an existent epilogue.

  5. zedthedead

    The best part of this is that I have a friend coincedentally names Mac Waltes…. so when that came up as the writing credit I had someone to yell at directly. He denys any involvement of course.

  6. Irridium

    Wait, so if this special space-magic explosion destroys relays and destroys things in close proximity, does that mean the Citadel explodes and kills Earth and all the fleets? Because in the first game, it’s established that the Citadel is one big relay.

  7. arron

    Thanks Mumbles, you completely put my mind at ease. And for a moment there I thought that the Bioware panel at PAX East was merely a stage managed PR exercise with whoops, circle jerks and prepared questions which treated the assembled audience as a bunch of mindless fanboy worshippers…hanging on whatever dribbled out of the orifices of the organisms on stage like Mugwump jism addicts.

    I’m now going to buy Bioware’s previewed “Suck it down and stop whinin’ kids” Map/Character DLC for whatever money they feel like charging they previewed. Hell, here’s my pin number, charge what you like. I know it won’t be enough. And when Dragon Age 3 comes out, I’m probably going to buy it just to have sex with it, as you know it’s going to be awesome merely on their past efforts.

    I hope EA make a lot of money from it, I hear they’re merely treading water these days and a few high profile franchise failures might seriously cause them to haemorrhage money.

    Still, they bought System Shock III a while back (and did nothing with it) and with the sales in Bioshock and interest in Bioshock Infinite, they can turn that into another winning franchise. I can’t see anyway at all they’d screw that up…no sir** RELINQUISHING DIRECT CONTROL**

    • Considering that both the MP dlc and the ending dlc are stated to be free, over and over…
      Ditch the drama, perhaps?

      • arron

        Sorry, I think I must have been in thrall there for a moment. Didn’t feel like me. Odd sensation of lights and the smell of electric peaches. And a ghostly apparition of a kid that was completely fictional.

        I blame the HAARP project. Everyone else does..I wonder if the supermarket have aluminium foil at the moment. Does that prevent mind control? ;)

  8. Jarenth

    Holy shit, this literally explains everything.

    EVERYTHING.

    I’ve read this explanation three times now, and I’m pretty sure I can see into forever.

    • I’ve been thinking for a long time that every game needs to end with someone explaining everything. In exactly this fashion. I would be satisfied if this was the new ending to ME3.

  9. There are ways an extended cut could make the ending work based solely on the scenes provided. I don’t think Bioware is remotely competant enough to pull it off, but I’ll wait and see. And I’m not talking about the indoctrination theory, I mean small things that explain plot holes and resore the cohesion of the narrative.

    Things like, adding a shot of Anderson running along a parallel walkway when you’re in the Citadel, add several lines of dialogue from the star child indicating he’s actually Harbinger, so that way it’s not a new character. Add lines of dialogue where Shepard argues his case, and a non-coloured control ending if he succeeds so Harbinger simply leaves and the Mass Relays aren’t destroyed because the Crucible doesn’t fire. Add another where Shepard refuses to choose and the fleets take on the Reapers and win or lose based on your war assets. The scene becomes less about a false choice and more of a negotiation where Shepard has his own options to present and both are trying to convince the other not to destroy them.

    Establish if the crucible is damaged at this point the destroy ending will happen regardless because it’ll make it go off, and Harbinger still wants the reapers to survive so he’s willing to make a deal – there are the collective consciousnesses of thousands of dead races preserved in them. Explain the reason Harbinger looks like a ghost kid is because he was once like Shepard, and was forced into merging with the reapers (his cycle’s synthetic uprising) to avoid galactic extinction, hence why he presents a similar option. He wants to remind Shepard they’re both trying to fight for the lost, even if his way is way more painful and involves them turning into giant squid.

    Explain that advanced synthetic life is still destroyed, but the reason for destroying organic life is that eventually, they may develop a threat to the reapers, or to the integrity of the galaxy and whether intentional or not, they must be stopped otherwise the reapers (ie, the remnants of galactic history) risk destruction. The reason we’re told we can’t comprehend why the reapers operate is because they don’t believe an organic could empathise with a synthetic enough to die and become one or forgive them for “preserving” so many before them, or understand that their continued existance puts the galaxy at risk and accept synthesis as a reasonable compromise. Their motives are based on the preservation of the galaxy itself, and they see genocide as a reasonable step towards that goal, but they realise most won’t.

    The setup can stay the same, but new content can change the meaning of the scene to make sense and fit with the story, without changing anything that’s there. It requires surgical precision that I’m willing to bet Bioware doesn’t have, but it’s not an impossible task.

    • arron

      What about that Human-Reaper thing the Collectors were building? There seemed very little reason for that, given that the Reapers were coming anyway to do the reaping and were going to harvest the entire galaxy into the blender for a delicious organic smoothie. They could have built the new Human-Reaper after the fight was over and Shepard was in the liquidizer.

      In doing that, the Reapers/Collectors showed their hand and made the situation worse for their side. It allowed the Alliance to semi-mobilize based on intelligence and develop their technology to be more effective. Without Cerberus being the enhanced bad guys, they’d have retained the Citadel. The Collector base was exposed, Shepard got a new better ship in the Normandy II and Cerberus got a shedload of Reaper tech that made them much harder for the Reapers to fight.

      Unless of course is was merely an excuse for some huge boss to fight at the end of the second game. Or the entire premise for the second game. Without the Collectors being all obvious – Reapers could have turned up without warning and pretty much rolled up the entire galaxy before anyone was aware of what they were doing. Then no-one would be complaining about the ME3 ending as they’d be deliciously drinkable around Act II when the Reapers turned up at the Citadel with the juice bar.

      For recommended serving suggestions, you’d want to strain out the genophage as it makes the drink bitter. And finding a slice of lemon to garnish the glass the size of Jupiter might be an issue..!

      • Don’t even get me started on Mass Effect 2. There would be so much needed to make that plot make sense – the ME3 ending’s maybe 10 minutes, but to justify the human reaper alone you’d need to do some serious doctoring on the entire plot.

        • arron

          Actually, to go backwards a step, what the hell happened to the Collectors?

          Major big bad for one whole game..and then suddenly nothing. Did Cerberus shank all the survivors when they went to salvage the Collector base and sell them as alien burgers at popular fast food joints around the galaxy? I know the energy pulse would have killed many of them, but they seemed to everywhere in Mass Effect II and they had more than one Collector Cruiser out..erm..collecting.

  10. Don’t you need to finish each battle with a perfect to fight Akuma and reach the true end?

    Also give that homeless brat in Battery Park a candy bar.

    And upgrade Uncle Mario’s villa all the way.

    And of course, make sure you defeat the spirit controlling Richter Belmont so that you can access the inverted Citadel for the second half of the game.

  11. I see, so basically all your complaints are about the ending. I think it has been established that the ending was bad. You are basically inventing new way to complain about the same thing through out half or more of the article.

    Will comment on the ones that are outside of that.

    I don’t see what your issue is about the Citadel moving. it has been established long ago that the heart of the Citadel is inaccessible (from the first game I believe). And seeing as it was built by the flippin’ Reapers it’s no question why. They are probably hundred of thousands year old sentient machines who have been playing this harvesting game for a while now. I mean, I think a few dozen Reavers took the full destructive force of the combined Human, Asari, Geth, Quarian, Turian and Salarian forces as though they were being tickled. The idea that the race of the current cycle couldn’t access it is not so hard to believe. Think of it as a severe technology mismatch. We today, could build something that would be totally impregnable and inaccessible to people from as recent a time as the steam age. This will only get more impossible for such people as we get better with all the new stronger than diamond super materials coming out these days. A sudden war with such people consisting of their technology and know how vs modern day super weapons and advancements would be a silly beat down if there ever was one. It match the ME scenario closely they would have to have more man power. A lot more.

    I am not really sure I see your issue with Anderson and the Citadel. I suppose they didn’t explain how the beam or shifting walls work though I am not sure how the hell Shepherd or Anderson would know that even if they did decide to explain. it’s a bit confusing but hardly worth draining out all your blood as sacrifice to some dark manifestation in exchange for damning Bioware’s eternal soul to the abyss.

    As for the Illusive Man with Reaper powers I don’t really see what the issue is. He was not only indoctrinated but absorbed Reaper tech into his body. Ergo, the reaper powers. It makes more sense that Saren turning to Bugman, that’s for damn sure. As for one area looking like another… Okay?

    As for your crew leaving you? I don’t really remember too well but wasn’t the ship leaving the area only added to the extended cut. Even then I don’t think it is every stated that they were leaving the Solar system. Certainly not in the standard endings. Okay, yes they were running from the wave but I don’t think it is ever stated they had already left the system. At the various endings we certain people come out of the Normandy wreck. I don’t know whether any of them are part of the three man team you went with. If they were then I suppose than is a plothole but then the ending were shitty as already been established by the whole internet making this glib article more of masturbation with open invitations for others to help turn it into a circle jerk.

    The ending sucked. We get it. I am sure Bioware has had their fill of cupcakes and probably death threats.

    • Jesus christ I feel like this comment is from the fucking past.

      Considering that I wrote this RIGHT after I played the game and I was totally frustrated by how much of a massive downer the ending was- I think you’re being a little too srs dude. I love this series. And, honestly? The final cut made me feel better. So, idk. Why are you even looking for posts about ME3 plotholes in fucking November, anyway? The rest of us moved on.

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